Before I start, I will just like to say there will be cursing! If you are eighteen (18) years and under this blog is not for you. Turn away now! If you are a grammar Nazi. Save me from the shit and please turn away now.
I am a newbie writer; I am still trying to pin down the do’s and don’ts in this quest called writing. A part of me wants to excel in this craft. I want my book to do well. I want people to cry, laugh and become turned on when they read my book. Yes, I said it. I want to make you horny as hell as you are reading my book.
While on this quest for greatness, I have met a couple of unadulterated assholes. Since I can’t tell them that to their faces what I think, in true passive-aggressive method: I WILL WRITE ABOUT IT.
THINGS YOU DON’T SAY TO A ROMANCE WRITER. ESPECIALLY AN INTERRACIAL WRITER:
OH MY GOD, YOU ARE ROMANCE WRITER! I got a great story for you to write.
No thanks, fam. I have a million ideas already. Here is some advice. Write your own book.
What’s your real job?
I am aware that some writers have two or more jobs. I can respect that. However I am always tempted to say Porn star or hooker, but I am not cute enough. Some people don’t view writing as a real job. I mean when you think about it, I just sit on my ass all day, typing out some 85,000 thousand words out of my head, creating characters, outlines and story settings. I start at 7 am maybe I will finish at about 2 am. Just sitting on my ass, whole day. Just like a fucking secretary, accountant or any bloody office job you can think of. JACKASS! Yes, writing is A REAL JOB.
Do you make any money from this? If so, how much?
It’s honestly none of your fucking business. Do you go around asking doctors and lawyers their monthly salary? No, I didn’t think so. Hence stop asking me.
Is your book any good?
Tell me why again I can’t slap someone for that question. OH RIGHT! Jail is a real place and I am too cute for it. Do me a favor, don’t read my book if you have that question. You have no idea about the trials and tribulations that I went through for this book. OF COURSE, I AM GOING TO TELL YOU MY BOOK IS GOOD. JACKASS.
I want to be a character in your book
Aww Sorry I know you think you are awesome, I can see that. However, I already have a shallow, vile, asshole villain in my book. I also don’t have room for you and your unwritten shenanigans. I already suffer from a mild case of schizophrenia, since I have all these unwritten characters shouting at me in my head. I really don’t need you in my book. Thanks but no.
Can I get a free copy?
Remember when the question that was asked: “Do you make money from writing?” This is how I make my money, by having people buy my books. No jackass you can’t have a free copy.
Why is your Hero White, Chinese, Mixed? Why is he not black?
Listen here, you undercover racist. I write about love. I write with the black women in my books as my main focus. Whether I decide to write, male on male, female on female, paranormal, my job is to create a world for two people to fall in love. No matter the race or color. As an author sister of mine said: “DICK IS DICK NO MATTER THE COLOR”.
Why is your heroine, dark, tan, mocha, caramel?
I can’t fucking win. AGAIN, LISTEN HERE YOU RACIST UNEDUCATED HEIFER! Black women are blessed by the good lord with a range of different shades surpassing Rihanna Fenty foundation line. I can write what I want. It is my world. You can decide if you want to step in or not.
Writing a book is easy. Anyone can do it!
Please try it. I guarantee you by chapter four of your book, your soul will no longer belong to you, your finger will look like crumple, bent appendages and you will have a pending nervous breaking. Try it, please. I will be waiting for you. Yes, you will recognize this job is not an easy one.
Is your book like Fifty Shades of Grey or Twilight?
This question sends me off my rockers in my mind. What part of interracial romance you don’t get? I MEAN REALLY? I DON’T WRITE BDSM, or PARANORMAL! Even if I did it would not sound like Fifty Shades or Twilight! We all are different writers with different personalities our books will not sound the same. Also, I am not into sparkling vampires.
BONUS QUESTION: ARE YOU DONE YET?
Bitch, did I tell you the book was done? What do you think that means? Look I get it. You are excited to read my book. Thank you for that, but asking if I am done won’t make the book finish faster. I will just get me a bit annoyed and distracted. Stop asking if I am done.
I am sure my other sister writers will have more to add. Feel free to comment below. Try not to be awkward and say any of the above to a writer. Save yourself. Till next time. I LOVE YOU!